Life's Still Rough

So. A lot has happened, me and that girl, Delaney, got back together. She left the kid she was with for prom. Life goes on and I'm happy for a good 6 months or so. Then something like that happens again. She grows distant and asks for space, I give her space and don't think much of it. about 3 months later near the end of school she asks if we can just be friends. She explains that it's because she doesn't want me to be too attached to anyone before my mission, and because I'm not supposed to steady date before my mission. (I'm mormon and we are asked to serve a mission for two years after we graduate from highschool,) so this makes sense. Another month goes by and she invites me to go to a rodeo with her family. Then she sits there the whole time and texts some other guy on her phone and tries to hide it from me, she texted so much that her mom got mad at her for how much she was texting. I confronted her about it and from this point on everything went down hill. She said she loved me still before, but now i find out she has multiple other guys she's crushing on.. (I think she said it was 4...) and i start to get jealous. as anyone would. and mad. She asks me to stay as her best friend and claims that she still loves me but that we have to just wait til I get home from my mission before anything can happen. On top of all this I find out when she asked for space earlier in the year she was kissing another boy that she's crushing on.. We tried to give each other space during the year and the longest we went without kissing was 4 days.. which means that she was kissing this other guy and me at the same time. that really crushed my everything.. On top of that i get into her skype account, I wasn't looking for anything i just wanted to see if i could do it. Well i succeeded.. But when i get on i see two messages from different guys that were.. odd.. and out of place. so i get curious. I check them out and i find out she's been messaging other guys things she shouldn't have been. and it goes back quite a ways. i don't know exactly how long, but whatever. the damage has been done. I'm broken hearted and sad and just so drained. I don't know what to do, she deleted one of the guys, but still texts and skypes the other.. she still wants us to be able to work out after my mission and expects me to stay. she says she still loves me and that i'm still special to her.. I honestly don't know if i can believe that after all i have been through. I really do want to stay, i love this girl. but after all that i've been through i dont know if i can make it. it will be so hard. and if i do stay, she likes those other guys.. after i leave on my mission she could have her feelings for me change and she could leave me, im just scared that if i stay i'll end up getting hurt more..

Seeing others being treated bettter...

          When you see how much one person means to your friends it makes you think good of them. They are obviously a good person and have friends that care about them.

          But then when you think about how your own friends don't even do that kind of thing for you when you try and be the best person you can makes you lose hope. Especially when you are that one kid, like i've said before, who feels forgotten. My friend's birthday was today, and he got a cake from one girl, his car got decorated by a group of his friends and he got tons of presents left in his car. I'm not jealous of the presents, so much as the fact that people acknowledge his birthday. Last year i had one friend give me a present late, it was very nice that he gave me a present and even though it wasn't much it meant a lot to me.

          When you try to be the best person you can be, in todays world its hard because you have to be different from most. People now, as a whole, aren't particularly nice, and i feel like since i try to be nice i dont stand out in people's minds, I know im just repeating what i said before, but i feel this very strongly and need to pour this out and try to get it off of my mind.

          I feel like i've been "tooting my own horn" and making me seem like such a nice person and that im such a "good kid" but i have my flaws, im no better than anyone else out there, but i try to be for the sake of others and also for the sake of me. I don't want to make anyone's day worse, life is tough enough as is without feeling alone and excluded or feeling sad because someone was mean too you. I'm trying my very hardest to be the nicest person i can be because i know what all of that feels like.

         Again, i know this isn't "pristine college level writing" and my grammar, and spelling aren't good in the least bit, but if you have a message and you express it in your own words it means just as much to someone as the next guys words.

          I feel like a burden to all of my friends.. I don't know why, i just do. I shouldn't always be this sad, but i am. i don,t know why, I've wondered if there is something wrong with me.. but i don't know. Whenever i get home after an activity i feel empty and depressed.. even if I've just had the best time of my life. I go from feeling great to feeling like crap in no time flat. and then i feel like i dump all of my problems on my friends. I try not to, but it just ends up happening. I've been trying to start to dump all my problems into these words and i feel like it's only helping out a little. I need to find more outlets for my stress, I've cried myself to sleep the last few nights and a few times i didn't even know why.

          Being different is hard. If you have your own opinions about things and don't agree with everyone or necessarily follow the trends you get pushed aside, cast out, and you aren't seen. Just kind of ignored. Whenever i try and make friends with someone, almost all the time they respond rudely to make their other friends laugh. Making friends is hard for me, and it didn't used to be that way, a few years ago i was one of those kids that everyone knew, now i'm one of those kids with eats lunch alone most days. The change from middle school to highschool was very hard on me. Everyone i knew moved on and left me for their new friends with two exceptions, and as i said before i am trying to make new friends, but it isn't easy, everytime i try i feel awkward and get ashamed and it doesn't help my self esteem at all. But I don't want to be "them" even if it means that i have to eat lunch alone.

School has been interesting lately, i dont feel as sad, but i dont feel much of anything now. Except stress. im getting better though, ive talked to a few of my friends about my problems and they have been very supportive. my stomach still hurts when i eat, but not as much and ive gone a few meals without it hurting at all. :) so im getting better. life will go on i guess. ill just see where it takes me and hope its for the best.

Life.. hasn't been good lately, quick update/ backstory to the past few years. I'm a really self conscious person, I haven't had many friends or anyone to talk to about my life recently, and it hasn't gone good. Here's the story: About two years ago a girl asked me out. she seemed nice so i said yes. We ended up happy for a while until she turned bitter and started to make the relationship abusive, on top of that i figured out she was cheating on me and my life took a turn for the worst, i emotionally crashed. I spiraled down into depression and didn't know how to get out. I had two friends who pulled me out of it and i seriously doubt that i would be here today if it weren't for them. I dumped the girl and it took me a very long time to get over it all, then recently, two years later, i asked one of those friends who helped me through it all out, , we've been together only for a short period of time and she says she is in love with me! great news right, cuz i love her too! but a month or so later, 2 other guys ask her out within a week, she turns down the first but she agrees to go on a date with the second guy. She's going this saturday and i have nothing to do, i was going to hang out with one of my two whole other friends but one has work and the other already has plans.. im probably going to end up at home crying and looking for something in vain to cheer me up. I cant tell if the gurl really likes me and wants to stay with me or if she will leave me for this other guy because she has recently started spending a lot of time with him.. This hasn't helped my self confidence at all and im going into depression again, i cant help it. I've been having trouble eatting and i think its cuz of this. My stomach hurts everytime i eat, I don't get hungry as often and have to force myself to eat all the time so i dont lose any more weight, as im already 10 lbs underweight and if i lose anymore it will become an unhealthy problem.. 

Explanation to why im writing this blog.

I saw a post on reddit today by:  falsefamilyme. He explained how when he was feeling bad he would write on his blog and pour out all his feelings. This is exactly what i'm going to start to do, I think it will help me deal with all the stress pent up inside me. If you for some reason are reading this, maybe you stumbled across it flipping through blogs, then don't expect Professional writting, its me, a 16 year old kid, writting to make himself not feel so alone.

Tests tests and more tests

CRTs have started and there is nothing to do any suggestions